Checklist.

I’m feeling rather off these days. I can’t seem to get into the swing of things and I’m weepy and unfocused. I really believe that the strange feelings and urges you feel during pregnancy are replicated at least a little bit when you’re getting ready to adopt or to foster. I just keep thinking of more and more things I want to get done before our kids arrive, and then I find myself spending inordinate amounts of time doing strange things like suddenly deciding to begin my December Daily Christmas album. That was SO not on my list!
I worry about our walk through. I worry about how I’ll keep up with everything if I have four kids. I worry about whether I’ll have time to send out Christmas cards. I wonder where our kids are right now and if they’re having a happy moment or if they’re hiding from someone or if they’re cold while they’re sleeping. I wonder if they are crying. I procrastinate some things while I suddenly feel like others are urgent. I organize the pantry.
Even as I sit here at the computer, I think that it’s been too long since I’ve backed up my photos on my external hard drive. Our baby gates aren’t even up, yet I worry about pictures. I forget to get my TB test results checked. I hug the boys a little more and I move the sharp knives into a locked drawer for our walk through. I need to pick up the fabric for the new dining chair covers. I frantically try to plan a whole year of cub scouts since I might not have time to do it later.
Will I have time to sew? Will I have trouble juggling naptimes and school pickups? Will I be able to read our book club book before our next meeting in two weeks? Will I get kids who sleep through the night? Will I remember how to do that intense discipline that I used to have to do with the boys? Will I be strong for my foster kids when they need me to be? Will I have time to clean the counters off each morning?
There seems to be no rhyme or reason to my stream of thoughts these days. Totally insignificant tasks pop into my mind amongst the urgent home study tasks and I can’t seem to prioritize what’s most important. I need two new tires and I sit here blogging. It’s the middle of the night and I’m feeling guilty about tires rather than babyproofing my very dangerous sewing room, a task I could actually be doing at this time of day. Oh, Lord, I’m a mess.
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2 thoughts on “Checklist.

  1. Good Grief. I can see how you’re going to need to do a lot of self forgiving. It’s definitely a hard to concentrate situation. Now that I’m almost 68 I’ve wisdom to impart. You need a supply of really good small portions of a yummy chocolate treat. Pretend you are training a dog and give yourself a treat after learning each trick. Let’s see if that will help. No, sorry I’m probably not going to make the chocolate delivery. Well, not right away. I’ve just returned from my little vacation and am supposed to be doing that stuff I’ve put off till rested or brave, or run out of excuses. However, if I decide the most important thing is to be a supportive aunt and should take a half day off to deliver, visit…..

  2. One thing I remember distinctly after becoming a mom, was worry. Suddenly I was worried all the time, about the baby, about my messy house, about not being a good wife. I talked with my “older and wiser” mom friends as well as my own mom and they all said pretty much the same thing. You will always worry after becoming a mom, and it doesn’t get any easier when they leave home. One friend even added that guilt comes along with this whole “mom package” as well. Hmmm…not comforting, but reality. And now you have the added worry of someone else’s children whose lives up until now have been totally out of your control. That IS big. (I don’t think you will always have time to clean the counters.)

    I just want to remind you about those days when Tyler was an infant and Jake was a toddler. You HAD to give up some things, you HAD to start saying no. In return, God gave you peace. Everyone who know you knows that you are an amazing human being, talented, smart, and an incredible mom. You are so giving and generous with your time and talent. You do more now with two children than I could ever do, even before I had one! I am only trying to say that if some things don’t go perfectly or some tasks get neglected, it will be ok. To me…if you can make that little foster baby or toddler SMILE once in a while and have PEACE in her daily life, You will be a success.

    Love you Linny
    PS: And I agree with Aunt Kris about the chocolate!

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