I’m feeling rather off these days. I can’t seem to get into the swing of things and I’m weepy and unfocused. I really believe that the strange feelings and urges you feel during pregnancy are replicated at least a little bit when you’re getting ready to adopt or to foster. I just keep thinking of more and more things I want to get done before our kids arrive, and then I find myself spending inordinate amounts of time doing strange things like suddenly deciding to begin my December Daily Christmas album. That was SO not on my list!
I worry about our walk through. I worry about how I’ll keep up with everything if I have four kids. I worry about whether I’ll have time to send out Christmas cards. I wonder where our kids are right now and if they’re having a happy moment or if they’re hiding from someone or if they’re cold while they’re sleeping. I wonder if they are crying. I procrastinate some things while I suddenly feel like others are urgent. I organize the pantry.
Even as I sit here at the computer, I think that it’s been too long since I’ve backed up my photos on my external hard drive. Our baby gates aren’t even up, yet I worry about pictures. I forget to get my TB test results checked. I hug the boys a little more and I move the sharp knives into a locked drawer for our walk through. I need to pick up the fabric for the new dining chair covers. I frantically try to plan a whole year of cub scouts since I might not have time to do it later.
Will I have time to sew? Will I have trouble juggling naptimes and school pickups? Will I be able to read our book club book before our next meeting in two weeks? Will I get kids who sleep through the night? Will I remember how to do that intense discipline that I used to have to do with the boys? Will I be strong for my foster kids when they need me to be? Will I have time to clean the counters off each morning?
There seems to be no rhyme or reason to my stream of thoughts these days. Totally insignificant tasks pop into my mind amongst the urgent home study tasks and I can’t seem to prioritize what’s most important. I need two new tires and I sit here blogging. It’s the middle of the night and I’m feeling guilty about tires rather than babyproofing my very dangerous sewing room, a task I could actually be doing at this time of day. Oh, Lord, I’m a mess.