Enough.

Enough is enough. I’m tired of feeling beat down by my circumstances. I am tired of the mood and success of my day being measured by the phone calls I receive and the way Midge’s case is going for that moment. I know that I can find the peace that Paul finds when he says from prison, “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” I have fallen into the trap of letting my circumstances dictate my happiness. I need to embrace joy instead.

It hasn’t always been this way. While there have been ups and downs ever since becoming a foster parent, I have weathered it pretty well. I have generally been able to trust God with the outcome of each foster placement. But for the past two months, I’ve fallen off the wagon. After a year of hanging on to trust, I let the race overwhelm me and get me down. I got tired. I got distracted from the fact that God is in control. He led us to this place and I need to trust Him. I want these two months of despair to be a blip on the radar of our fostering journey. I want to look back at the whole experience and see how I came to trust Him more, not how I complained through it all. I want to see how my faith grew, not how I rebelled against God’s plan for our lives.

Whatever the circumstance, Jesus is on the throne. He is victorious. Whatever plans I have, His plans are better…more mysterious, sometimes confusing, but perfect. Whatever the day may hold, I can choose joy. There is no need to fear. There is no cause for complaint. There is a path that we followed Him on, and it’s the path that He wanted us to walk…through valleys and up mountains. I’m tired of whining. I want to remember that I am victorious through Christ in me. That no matter what, He is good and all things in our lives will work together for good, for us who love Him and are called according to His purpose…the purpose of loving little ones who need Him.

I’m going to give up the fight and try again to trust. I’m going to stop being the child who strains against her father’s hand as he grips it when walking across a busy parking lot. I’m going to repeat to myself that God is on the throne and He is going to win the war on earth, in which I play only a small role. And when I fail to do these things, I am going to give myself grace and try again, and again. I want the world to see that my God is a God worth trusting. I want them to know that He makes a difference in the lives of people traveling through hard things. I want others to know that a life in Him is different…that I can find joy in all circumstances because He loves me and He is worth following.

This morning I heard an admonition from God…you’ve begun to build your hopes on a gift, not the Giver. You’ve started to give in to the “if only” mentality…if only things were more settled with Midge, then I could be at peace. You’ve taken your eyes off of the path God has for you, and are looking at the path you want for yourself. After hearing this at church, a friend linked to this on facebook: Proverbs 31 ministries IF ONLY.

The LORD is my shepherd. His rod of correction and His staff of direction can comfort me. Though I walk through the valley I will fear no evil, for YOU are with me. This time of mistrust is over. God is on the throne. I can trust Him to lead me in the right direction. I don’t have to worry or whine. There is no need to fear. He is risen and He reigns over all.

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4 thoughts on “Enough.

  1. As I read this, I was remembering you as a little girl. You were always running ahead , skipping, jumping or turning cartwheels. You always jumped into life with both feet, and I see this as a great quality. Love, Mom

  2. When I read this, I remembered how you were always faithful to do your daily Bible reading and devotion. There is no doubt that all of your time in God’s Word has given you the sturdy foundation that you need to stand on now. His word is in your heart and in your mind. You know you can count on Him to carry you NOW when things get tough and maybe faith is tested. Even though you may not feel like it, you are prepared. “Like a tree planted by the water, I shall not be moved.”

  3. Let me say… My heart hears you. We have been through the dark uncertain night with a child that we longed to adopt. I have not yet blogged about the worst days of it, but they were there. I feel like my heart is still healing and learning to trust God, and I pray that it’s not only because we have received what our hearts were crying out for. I don’t want to trust God just because we are moving forward with the adoption. I want to trust God because he is good. All the time.

    Thank you for sharing this. I know I’m a little late, since I’m a newcomer to your blog… But I needed to read it tonight. I pray that the past month has begun to provide some reorientation for your spirit, that you’ve been able to take some steps back into that place of trusting God with your family and with your little one.

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