I told Greg about my last post and he looked at me funny. I guess I should clarify: I don’t mean that we’ve had an easy life. I don’t think anyone has. For us, as for everyone, there have been big and small bumps in the road and for us, the life-changing loss of a child. What I meant by that last post was that this phase in my daily everyday routine has hit an easy patch.
Of course I cried when Midge, who was supposed to spend Saturday with our family camping at the beach, got sick and couldn’t come. Now we won’t see her again for at least two more weeks. That’s my daughter. That’s too long to be without her, even if she’s someone else’s daughter now, too. But the day at the beach was easy physically, if not emotionally, just because of the life stage our boys are in. I reminded Greg that it could be the last such easy beach day for a while, depending on who our next kids are and when they join our family.
I’m sorting through kid clothes today on the floor in Midge’s bedroom. There are so many memories in those boxes. Way too many baby girl clothes that were saved from Midge’s years with us. Memories that I couldn’t pass along, just like the memories of tiny boys I find in pajama sleepers in the boys’ closet. (Thankfully, Midge’s father didn’t want any of the clothes that didn’t fit Midge any more.) I find the little gray bear outfit that we brought Jake home from the hospital in. The powder blue dragon onesie that was Tyler’s coming home outfit. And the peach and brown floral pants which Midge was wearing on the first day we met.
There is a pair of matching girl bathing suits in sizes 2T and 5, which I bought for two girls I had hoped would be my own. Neither of them are. Those two suits are the only thing that made me cry as I sorted. Thinking of the dreams I’ve dreamt and then given up on and then taken up hoping for again, and in the end lost. Those two cheery, cherry-covered bathing suits remain.
So life does continue to be difficult emotionally, with some days more difficult than others. The good days are outweighing the bad days now. If we had more of a guarantee when and how often we’d see Midge, it would make things a lot easier. But we are grateful to be still seeing her at all, even if it’s not as often as we’d like. Life does continue in an easy daily rhythm, with time for me to plod through my big deep cleaning jobs around the house before it is crowded with kids again. I have seven weeks until our family vacation over Easter, so I’m pushing through my list with that deadline in mind. Office and art supplies and the boys’ bedroom have been checked off the list. The third floor playroom, sewing room, and master bedroom closets remain. And right now it’s time to head back upstairs and face the rest of those boxes of clothes turned memories. After all, you never know who’s going to need those clothes soon.